Oh today and yesterday have been fantastic. A bit of normalie ( i realise this isn't spelt right, but for the life of me can not remember how to spell this word and my sister does not have word on this computer lol) , I'm at the moment at my sisters appartment, Ive had enough energy in the last 2 days to actually do some stuff. I went to pretransplant exercise yesterday in orillia, I hungout with my old bittes, aka 65-80 year old men. They are hilarious I have to say, they gossip worse than women. Plus its like 1940's attutide and I'm pretty much expected to sit there and be quiet as im "a girl". There not all backwards and there two guys there I regularly talk to, they all are on city counsils and what have you, so honesty they know all the bylaws etc, stuff I don't know. So i have a good time asking them questions. The one guy always starts with " So i was in the army..." hahahna i've heard so many army stories now its hilarious, and his poor wife lol hes always saying how she doesnt no how to do things haha aww.
Anyways I thought I'd share that I met a Doctor who was named Dr. Thesaurus, want to bet that's not his only name? hahahaha. I do feel bad for him though, imagine how many times people have said this to him. Other than that I'll filling my head full of nonsense and reading romance novels. I haven't in a long time and it just seems like a good day to read a book with zero plot, unrealistic characters and fluffy story lines lol I love it. Actually my favourite line of all time from a romance novel was one from Julie Garwood, one of her books I think it was "the wedding" anyways theres a line in it when the characters meet and it says " he was so big he blocked out the sun" BAHAHHAAH its classic. Then you wonder just how short this women is haha..i love it. Who doesnt like a book which has a happy ending you can see happening from page 1 lol <3 it
Friday, January 14, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
To A certain SOMEONE
To a certain person who texted me today, you know who you are, and I doubt you’ll read this, but you never know:
So this is where I try to keep on my big girl pants and not go vividly, and wildly screaming into a certain friends face. The last couple days have been very trying with my emotions and I’m starting to think some of my reactions could just be ruled out as the forlorn “roid-rage” as they call it. However, some of my reactions I believe are completely called for in these situations.
Today I’ve literally done nothing except wake up, go on facebook, and text a couple people, yet I am now still in a situation where I want to “kick ass”. When I’m told I’m a total stalker for being on facebook so much, or that I should be out doing something, I’m going to get mad. When I’m told that I should just, and I quote “ suck it up”, and go do what everyone else is doing, cause there’s no reason I shouldn’t be, well let’s just say, I didn’t take those statements all too well.
First this is my only day off from doctors appointments and all things transplant, I wake up late, I eat late and I don’t plan on doing much today, maybe take a nap and try to feel a bit better. Yes I am bored, with transplant I miss working and going to school, I miss my social life. This doesn’t mean I’m going to go jump in my car and go running around all over the place just because ONE person thinks I should be. Makes me want to yell “DUMBASS” in his face and say “ok so ill sit on your chest, strangle you and then you get up and go run upstairs, we’ll see how you do”.
I won’t except dumb comments anymore, I’ve explained to my close friends what’s going on with me a million times over now, if you can’t figure out I can’t go run a marathon right now, well honestly you’re a dumbass. I don’t care if it isn’t “cool” that I don’t have plans on Friday night, or that I haven’t gotten “drunk” in forever. I don’t care if I’m not dating and I certainly don’t care what I “should be doing”. I’m not doing it, that doesn’t make me a loser or out of the “group”, it makes me incredibly sick and dealing with what I have to survive. I do what I can to stay entertained and keep everything “normal” I didn’t think I had to prove that to certain people.
Everyone else has been fantastic I couldn’t ask for better friends or family. A couple people though are dumb and if the most important fact in your life is getting drunk and you can’t see life without booze sorry to inform you but you sound like an alcoholic, and PS you’re out of college now, it isn’t “kool” to get drunk every other day. Grow up.
So this is where I try to keep on my big girl pants and not go vividly, and wildly screaming into a certain friends face. The last couple days have been very trying with my emotions and I’m starting to think some of my reactions could just be ruled out as the forlorn “roid-rage” as they call it. However, some of my reactions I believe are completely called for in these situations.
Today I’ve literally done nothing except wake up, go on facebook, and text a couple people, yet I am now still in a situation where I want to “kick ass”. When I’m told I’m a total stalker for being on facebook so much, or that I should be out doing something, I’m going to get mad. When I’m told that I should just, and I quote “ suck it up”, and go do what everyone else is doing, cause there’s no reason I shouldn’t be, well let’s just say, I didn’t take those statements all too well.
First this is my only day off from doctors appointments and all things transplant, I wake up late, I eat late and I don’t plan on doing much today, maybe take a nap and try to feel a bit better. Yes I am bored, with transplant I miss working and going to school, I miss my social life. This doesn’t mean I’m going to go jump in my car and go running around all over the place just because ONE person thinks I should be. Makes me want to yell “DUMBASS” in his face and say “ok so ill sit on your chest, strangle you and then you get up and go run upstairs, we’ll see how you do”.
I won’t except dumb comments anymore, I’ve explained to my close friends what’s going on with me a million times over now, if you can’t figure out I can’t go run a marathon right now, well honestly you’re a dumbass. I don’t care if it isn’t “cool” that I don’t have plans on Friday night, or that I haven’t gotten “drunk” in forever. I don’t care if I’m not dating and I certainly don’t care what I “should be doing”. I’m not doing it, that doesn’t make me a loser or out of the “group”, it makes me incredibly sick and dealing with what I have to survive. I do what I can to stay entertained and keep everything “normal” I didn’t think I had to prove that to certain people.
Everyone else has been fantastic I couldn’t ask for better friends or family. A couple people though are dumb and if the most important fact in your life is getting drunk and you can’t see life without booze sorry to inform you but you sound like an alcoholic, and PS you’re out of college now, it isn’t “kool” to get drunk every other day. Grow up.
Monday, January 10, 2011
SO PISSED
So my afternoon consisted of me sitting at TGH, which wasnt a problem until I got in to see the doctor and he confirmed what I was scared of. That my pfts are INDEED wrong within there system. I thought of this before the christmas holiday when I realised that ive only EVER had one pfts test at TGH, my other one was booked when i was admitted into st.mikes and the other was a freakin snow day soo ...im stuck in this situation where tgh has numbers from last MAY when I was walking around peachy keen without o2 and sitting at a good 40% lung function. I asked doesnt st.mikes send over pfts? and yes they do when they get a request. KEY in retarded transplant coorindar and VOLia, DING DING DING we have found my problem. TO be honest I like the women when I met her I thought she was nice, smart, put together, organized, since that first meeting im seriously considering she has none of thoses skills.
I CALLED HER before christmas and told her my "FEAR" that my pfts were not up to date and that if lungs came up they would overlook me because my file says "im stable and at 40%" and she said OHH we'll book u a new date right away and ill check ur numbers. NOW clearly she didnt check and DIDNt get me a new appointment. PLUS tgh had no idea i had be hospitalized ! I called 4 people for frig stake! how MANY people do i have to call to get someone to WRITE SOMETHING DOWN. THIS IS MY LIFE where talking about here! My life is in the balance of me getting this transplant I take GREAT offense when I have to correct the paperwork and make my file up to date! I AM the patient and if I wasnt as good with understanding hospitals, as I am ,id be screwed! Now the hospitals are going to pin blame on eachother.. no one is held accountable for mistakes like theses. I know this cause just last month no one knew i was admitted which I THOUGHT i fixed and my coorindator said was fixed. CLEARLY shes wrong again. IM PISSED SO PISSED. I dont even no what to say. Im listed 20% higher than what I AM. and the worst thing..they cant understand why im sooo mad.
I CALLED HER before christmas and told her my "FEAR" that my pfts were not up to date and that if lungs came up they would overlook me because my file says "im stable and at 40%" and she said OHH we'll book u a new date right away and ill check ur numbers. NOW clearly she didnt check and DIDNt get me a new appointment. PLUS tgh had no idea i had be hospitalized ! I called 4 people for frig stake! how MANY people do i have to call to get someone to WRITE SOMETHING DOWN. THIS IS MY LIFE where talking about here! My life is in the balance of me getting this transplant I take GREAT offense when I have to correct the paperwork and make my file up to date! I AM the patient and if I wasnt as good with understanding hospitals, as I am ,id be screwed! Now the hospitals are going to pin blame on eachother.. no one is held accountable for mistakes like theses. I know this cause just last month no one knew i was admitted which I THOUGHT i fixed and my coorindator said was fixed. CLEARLY shes wrong again. IM PISSED SO PISSED. I dont even no what to say. Im listed 20% higher than what I AM. and the worst thing..they cant understand why im sooo mad.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
I wonder what 2011 holds
Don't you love when you find a song that somehow means more to you than just the words? Like its so perfect it was written just for you? I found a couple songs over the last couple days that have expressed that to me. I'll youtube the videos for everyone because they are really good songs. The first is Paperweight .
The video isnt important its from some movie appartently. I just think it sounds how I feel when I love someone. I think the lyrics are perect . Haha just the lyrics " mess up my bed with me , Im happy to lay here just happy to be here" ...the whole song. Perfect. Every word you say i think I should write down. lol perfect. Makes me smile. Ivve been feeling very creative lately and I feel like I should make a video to this at some point.
The second is by the same group but called "Hello"
It reminds me of a certain someone, reminds me of my life. "You know what they say, you cant have it, so you want it back, Im way past that " lol
The third is just a very cute song. Popular. I like it.
The last wont let me embed it grrr so heres the link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xXD9-1mLBY
I was on the job bank for our area, because I am looking "beyond transplant" even though it hasn't happened yet, anyways I found a medical rep. job but you need 102 wpm typing :S I was like HOLY! I need to start practice typing again. I'm probably at around 60? maybe. I want to contine my life after all this is over...make it a bad memory. This is the only thing keeping me sane lol. Plus I got an late christmas , early birthday gift today. A NEW blender!!!! who ever said women shouldnt get kitchen app. certainly doesnt know me because Im estastic. PLUS i got sheets and bubble bath and THONGS for the kitchen...plus a spinny thingy to hold all of them and a candle...OMG it was like christmas all over it was amazing. THANK u auntie norma :)
Im 23 in 11 days. Countdown is on. Am I doing anything for my birthday with my twin, no lol shes working..SOOOO i dont no about this year. Lungs? lol that'd be a great gift lol
The video isnt important its from some movie appartently. I just think it sounds how I feel when I love someone. I think the lyrics are perect . Haha just the lyrics " mess up my bed with me , Im happy to lay here just happy to be here" ...the whole song. Perfect. Every word you say i think I should write down. lol perfect. Makes me smile. Ivve been feeling very creative lately and I feel like I should make a video to this at some point.
The second is by the same group but called "Hello"
It reminds me of a certain someone, reminds me of my life. "You know what they say, you cant have it, so you want it back, Im way past that " lol
The third is just a very cute song. Popular. I like it.
The last wont let me embed it grrr so heres the link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xXD9-1mLBY
I was on the job bank for our area, because I am looking "beyond transplant" even though it hasn't happened yet, anyways I found a medical rep. job but you need 102 wpm typing :S I was like HOLY! I need to start practice typing again. I'm probably at around 60? maybe. I want to contine my life after all this is over...make it a bad memory. This is the only thing keeping me sane lol. Plus I got an late christmas , early birthday gift today. A NEW blender!!!! who ever said women shouldnt get kitchen app. certainly doesnt know me because Im estastic. PLUS i got sheets and bubble bath and THONGS for the kitchen...plus a spinny thingy to hold all of them and a candle...OMG it was like christmas all over it was amazing. THANK u auntie norma :)
Im 23 in 11 days. Countdown is on. Am I doing anything for my birthday with my twin, no lol shes working..SOOOO i dont no about this year. Lungs? lol that'd be a great gift lol
Friday, January 7, 2011
Rainbows and Unicorns
Why do I have rainbows all over my page? Well if you must know ( which I am sure you really are!) It reminds me of wallpaper we had at our first house. It had rainbows and pot of golds all over it. Colleen and I use to sit on our beds and pick the sparkles off of it, sorry mom and dad that one is true, we also use to throw barbie shoes behide the wood in our wall in the basement so if anyone ever has taken off the wood panelling god knows they found a good hundred barbie shoes. Nothing much is new, I think the meds they gave me at clinic might actually be doing something which is new I guess, usually oral meds do nothing for me anymore. I also have a plan to take up knitting, dont laugh, your already laughing :P I need somehting to do, something that does not involve tons of endurance or exercise what-so-ever. Either that or I take up crocheting again but I have no idea where my crochet hooks are, and Im bad at it i'd need to put some time and energy into it so that I can get good.
Maybe write something? I use to be good at poetry and I even wrote a couple good short stories I use to live to write, honestly i was one little dork as a kid, I liked to write, draw, poerty, read, I was quiet and i had werid bangs...poor child lol. Where was the soccer gene when I needed it? Cant complain though I look back and Im like jesus at least you can comb ur hair right now haha (most days). I realise Im somewhat of a fashion faux pas at times. I think last year of highschool i had money to burn and a fashion sense...now im just fashion confused and my size goes all over the place so often i just gave up a while ago...just get new lungs and ill accessorize later. K I have no idea what this blog was going to be about I forget. Still looking for my price charming, send resumes lol :) (remember make a cover letter) lol
Maybe write something? I use to be good at poetry and I even wrote a couple good short stories I use to live to write, honestly i was one little dork as a kid, I liked to write, draw, poerty, read, I was quiet and i had werid bangs...poor child lol. Where was the soccer gene when I needed it? Cant complain though I look back and Im like jesus at least you can comb ur hair right now haha (most days). I realise Im somewhat of a fashion faux pas at times. I think last year of highschool i had money to burn and a fashion sense...now im just fashion confused and my size goes all over the place so often i just gave up a while ago...just get new lungs and ill accessorize later. K I have no idea what this blog was going to be about I forget. Still looking for my price charming, send resumes lol :) (remember make a cover letter) lol
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
3 Months listed
3 months of praying this stupid thing will go off. All decemeber Ive been worried that my pfts at toronto general still say im 35% which Im no where near at this point. Ive only ever had 1 pfts test at TGH and im worried no one can "positively" say that they know where my lungs sit. Id like to know if lungs come along im not , not going to get them cause someone thinks im stillat 35% not at the 20% where I am. I actually talked to the admin today (SHE ACTUALLY PICKED UP HER PHONE..this is a moment!!) anyways she wasnt that much help she basically said in 30 seconds or less that she could careless...not in that exact words i mean but pretty close...sooo heres to having to call my transplant coordinator again tomorrow and explain that I NEED a pfts test and maybe she can figure this one out. Who knew that when waitin for this surgery you get stopped with sooo many admins, paperwork and people not checking there messages :P I can say this cause I have a college dipolma in what that lady is doing ..and trust me...SHE SUCKS at her job... :P just saying.... employ me after I get lungs haha
I also was at clinic yesterday were after an xray it was shown that I have mini lung collapses in both my right and left lungs , upper and lower lobes :P YAY, not. I guess I kinda thought that was what was going on and now it makes sense why my oxygen need has gone so far up. So now im waiting to be "readmitted into st. mikes" , i swear I should get flyer miles of some sort, like after so many visits i get a free boob job or something haha cause seriously!!
I also have sleep pills again...im far to excitied about this. No I don't take them all the time but if your sleep has been as messed up as mine recently you'd be happy and jumping off the walls too. Im guaranteed one nights PEACEful ,JOYFUL sleep....you cant replace that i tell u, it doesnt matter how hard I cough tonight....ill sleep like a baby through it....yay. I have exercise tomorrow morning..soo yes I am smart enough to set my alarm haha. Im debating giving my parents my pager tonight just cause Im going to be out of it soon...we will see. I also made a v-log yesterday..its currently uploading..ill post it when its done...
I also was at clinic yesterday were after an xray it was shown that I have mini lung collapses in both my right and left lungs , upper and lower lobes :P YAY, not. I guess I kinda thought that was what was going on and now it makes sense why my oxygen need has gone so far up. So now im waiting to be "readmitted into st. mikes" , i swear I should get flyer miles of some sort, like after so many visits i get a free boob job or something haha cause seriously!!
I also have sleep pills again...im far to excitied about this. No I don't take them all the time but if your sleep has been as messed up as mine recently you'd be happy and jumping off the walls too. Im guaranteed one nights PEACEful ,JOYFUL sleep....you cant replace that i tell u, it doesnt matter how hard I cough tonight....ill sleep like a baby through it....yay. I have exercise tomorrow morning..soo yes I am smart enough to set my alarm haha. Im debating giving my parents my pager tonight just cause Im going to be out of it soon...we will see. I also made a v-log yesterday..its currently uploading..ill post it when its done...
Saturday, January 1, 2011
New Year
2010 was pretty bad. It started off good and then went to hell pretty quickly. I went from being the healthiest Id been in 5 years and dating a guy happily to having my lung collaspe in feburary and from there it went to hell. After graduating college in april, I just kept getting sick, lung function kept declining. I had a lung transplant assessment that I was "sure" wasnt going to actually mean anything for a couple years. July hit and I was on o2 24/h a day and Ive been on it ever since.I got listed for lung transplant in october. I had to quit the job I liked, I couldnt look for any work related to what I went to school for. I no longer have any sort of social life. I can't walk upstairs without almost passing out. My lungs always hurt, I cant sleep on my back anymore. I spend every week going back and forth between toronto and orillia , waiting. Just waiting for the call. Spending more time in doctors appointments than anywhere else. Thats the problem in all of this..limbo...life on hold. I just never thought there'd be a moment where I'd think...damn..what Id kill to be able to walk upstairs, walk outside, walk down the driveway to my car and get in without having to stop because im soo out of breathe. sooo needless to say 2011 has to be better. Im hoping I get lungs and get my life back. Fingers crossed. I have realised though that after all of this..ill never be one of those people on the sidelines again...screw being embarssed id rather have fun...i miss being able to do stuff. lifes a gift.
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