Just a Big Downer

This past week or two weeks have sucked. Monday Jan 31 my lwft lung decided to pop the big one. It started with me going to phyiso in toronto, ending up in the ER when I got home to orillia, and by 9 oclock at night being druged out of my mind and having a chest tube inserted. Tuesday Feb 1, i was transfered to St. Mikes. Drugged up more and then them realising that my chest was already pretty inflated. They let me out Thursday...i guess...I cant really remember alot. I was on alot of morphine, codeine, and sleeping pills. I kinda wish they kept me in the hospital. I wasnt ready to leave and im seriously getting a lung infection. I dont no what they were thinking. I didnt get any physio when I was in the hospital .as kenneth was somehow busy both days? it made no sense..and they couldnt do physio on my collapsed side anyways. So i cant do PEP, I cant do clapping on that side, and my other side has my port so its hard to do phyiso at all. My blood sugars are starting to go high. And I no there isnt any beds...there never is. Now im just exhausted. Monday I didnt go to physio in toronto ..they siad it was fine..i was just to friggin tired and sore. Tuesday same deal didnt go to orillia. and Im debating if i have a smaller collapse again..as it feels like someone is sitting on my left side..soo hard to breathe. I honestly havent been out my my house alot..if any. Thurday was yesterday..and I didnt go to phyiso cause well the stitches are out.. i took them out myself...it was healed and sitting in the er for 8 h to get them out with one snip of the sciossors is stupid.

My grandma also had surgery this week so my family was incredibily upset. My grandfather was a mess. My sisters long time boyfriend who has been in our family basically for 2 years, decided this would be a good week to end there relationship so my twin has been a mess. And i remember when my ex did that to me..and well her wonderful ex just ended it the same way.. coward.. text and fb..seriously? this is when I want to yell..get some balls ! , then my aunt and uncle are both now unemployed...shitty ecomony. Someone got a hold of my parents visa # and put 6000 dollars on there card....ya ..great.. so were sorting that out. My other aunt totalled her truck. and when we were in cambridge hospital yesterday seeing my grandma..my mom had a nervous breakdown. ITs just to much. Theres to much CF in my life and nothing else. Also didnt help that i forgot to call phyiso in orillia on thursday when I thought I did..the liquid o2 guy also came by and left any increcibly rude,unprofessional message on my answering machine. He never comes on set days..it was suppose to be tuesday and he didnt show up..well he showed up thursday..well fuck him i wasnt here..he got paid...he can shut up.
Instead I get a bitchy message of " well im in ur driveway, im not coming back this week so your just going to have to wait"..on and on ... im considering calling the company. I can understand being annoyed..but it was rude. And after a day of stress and people crying everywhere i cant deal.

Everyone talking about death and how no one nos what could happen. Im just done talking about it. I feel like crap end of story. I want the hospital bad. I want my friends to understand i dont have energy anymore, to deal with there problems...
I want the one retarded guy who keeps telling me he "loves me" to drop off this planet because he doesnt, hes just so deseparate he cant believe i wont go out with him. WHy would i date right now? Im happy to go read for hours and sleep. I just want it over. Live , die ...whatever... just i want it over. Slow suffication isnt for me..id rather be hit by a truck. Its not even the breathing this week...its more pain all over the place. and me doing things I cant remember. I hate that feeling. I wake up not knowing what i did. In the hospital i feel like theres more control.. i feel safter...at home im worrying my stupid lungs going to pop again. Its scary. i cant keep getting collapses and having to go and try and convince someone that i hav a pnemo in emerg and then when they realise it that im right...there running around becaues u only have SO MUCH TIME before ur fucked. Its a life and death situation. My HEART WAS IN the wrong spot. Everything just hurts and i just want to go to bed and sleep till next week and pretend this all didnt happen.

This last weeks been a b......

Well let me update this past week...it sucked lol. Monday I went to TGH for exercise I was out of breathe more than usual and LIsa even said I should go see a doctor but I was stubborn and the transplant clinic was super busy so I decided to go home. After that 2 h drive home I was in my house getting more and more out of breathe..all the while thinking in my head.OH god I think I have another pnemo. GREAT! :( By 3:30 my sister made me get into the car and go to emerg with her. Orillia was surprisingly really REALLY slow considering I was hyperventatling. I had to people with coughs manage to get in front of me :S made no sense. Then i saw a doctor ..soon as he came in I said " I realy think I ahve pnemo , Ive had one before".His exact words were " Oh my god I think ur right" ... HAHA i love when doctors are shocked that im actually correct. So then I get an x-ray



Look at this in all its beauty. My left lung is completely not there and my heart is in the wrong spot..TRUST me it wasnt a comfty thing to deal with. NEXT i sit in the ER for hmm 3 h? lol ...and get worse and worse breathing. the nurses kept saying to me ..the doctor has been paged...REALLy? can someone get him to get his butt down here...when he finally did show up he was complaining he was missing dinner with his wife..sucks to be u buddy if ud shown up 2 h earlier u would be eatting with ur wife right now. Anyways..this is where they drugged me to the point that I passed out.. NICE..and woke up at 9pm..in tube in place and my parents and sister complaining that Iwas saying the same sentence OVEr and over again without noing it. After that I got some morphine...and stayed over night in emerg. I kept telling them I wanted to be transfered to toronto..so the next day..BOOM get sent to toronto..at this point y lung was already inflated..IMPRESSIVE considering the last one took weeks to inflate. Got put into 76 on 6 Bond ..hung out with my awesome nurses "grace, nina, olga and karen :) and got drugged it was great. Dr, Macentyre..(ya i spell his name wrong..get over it) pulled the tube out yestrday.. I now have a killer set of stitches. My side kills ..i am still druged out .but not taking anymore pills cause I hate feeling outof it. and just watching to make sure my side doesnt give out again.

Other neews..other friends got the call and it was cancelled :P not kool..and another friend got terrible news and im hoping..fingers crossed a million for her that everthing bounces back. mircles do happen. ..so thats my update...