Just a Big Downer

This past week or two weeks have sucked. Monday Jan 31 my lwft lung decided to pop the big one. It started with me going to phyiso in toronto, ending up in the ER when I got home to orillia, and by 9 oclock at night being druged out of my mind and having a chest tube inserted. Tuesday Feb 1, i was transfered to St. Mikes. Drugged up more and then them realising that my chest was already pretty inflated. They let me out Thursday...i guess...I cant really remember alot. I was on alot of morphine, codeine, and sleeping pills. I kinda wish they kept me in the hospital. I wasnt ready to leave and im seriously getting a lung infection. I dont no what they were thinking. I didnt get any physio when I was in the hospital .as kenneth was somehow busy both days? it made no sense..and they couldnt do physio on my collapsed side anyways. So i cant do PEP, I cant do clapping on that side, and my other side has my port so its hard to do phyiso at all. My blood sugars are starting to go high. And I no there isnt any beds...there never is. Now im just exhausted. Monday I didnt go to physio in toronto ..they siad it was fine..i was just to friggin tired and sore. Tuesday same deal didnt go to orillia. and Im debating if i have a smaller collapse again..as it feels like someone is sitting on my left side..soo hard to breathe. I honestly havent been out my my house alot..if any. Thurday was yesterday..and I didnt go to phyiso cause well the stitches are out.. i took them out myself...it was healed and sitting in the er for 8 h to get them out with one snip of the sciossors is stupid.

My grandma also had surgery this week so my family was incredibily upset. My grandfather was a mess. My sisters long time boyfriend who has been in our family basically for 2 years, decided this would be a good week to end there relationship so my twin has been a mess. And i remember when my ex did that to me..and well her wonderful ex just ended it the same way.. coward.. text and fb..seriously? this is when I want to yell..get some balls ! , then my aunt and uncle are both now unemployed...shitty ecomony. Someone got a hold of my parents visa # and put 6000 dollars on there card....ya ..great.. so were sorting that out. My other aunt totalled her truck. and when we were in cambridge hospital yesterday seeing my grandma..my mom had a nervous breakdown. ITs just to much. Theres to much CF in my life and nothing else. Also didnt help that i forgot to call phyiso in orillia on thursday when I thought I did..the liquid o2 guy also came by and left any increcibly rude,unprofessional message on my answering machine. He never comes on set days..it was suppose to be tuesday and he didnt show up..well he showed up thursday..well fuck him i wasnt here..he got paid...he can shut up.
Instead I get a bitchy message of " well im in ur driveway, im not coming back this week so your just going to have to wait"..on and on ... im considering calling the company. I can understand being annoyed..but it was rude. And after a day of stress and people crying everywhere i cant deal.

Everyone talking about death and how no one nos what could happen. Im just done talking about it. I feel like crap end of story. I want the hospital bad. I want my friends to understand i dont have energy anymore, to deal with there problems...
I want the one retarded guy who keeps telling me he "loves me" to drop off this planet because he doesnt, hes just so deseparate he cant believe i wont go out with him. WHy would i date right now? Im happy to go read for hours and sleep. I just want it over. Live , die ...whatever... just i want it over. Slow suffication isnt for me..id rather be hit by a truck. Its not even the breathing this week...its more pain all over the place. and me doing things I cant remember. I hate that feeling. I wake up not knowing what i did. In the hospital i feel like theres more control.. i feel safter...at home im worrying my stupid lungs going to pop again. Its scary. i cant keep getting collapses and having to go and try and convince someone that i hav a pnemo in emerg and then when they realise it that im right...there running around becaues u only have SO MUCH TIME before ur fucked. Its a life and death situation. My HEART WAS IN the wrong spot. Everything just hurts and i just want to go to bed and sleep till next week and pretend this all didnt happen.

This last weeks been a b......

Well let me update this past week...it sucked lol. Monday I went to TGH for exercise I was out of breathe more than usual and LIsa even said I should go see a doctor but I was stubborn and the transplant clinic was super busy so I decided to go home. After that 2 h drive home I was in my house getting more and more out of breathe..all the while thinking in my head.OH god I think I have another pnemo. GREAT! :( By 3:30 my sister made me get into the car and go to emerg with her. Orillia was surprisingly really REALLY slow considering I was hyperventatling. I had to people with coughs manage to get in front of me :S made no sense. Then i saw a doctor ..soon as he came in I said " I realy think I ahve pnemo , Ive had one before".His exact words were " Oh my god I think ur right" ... HAHA i love when doctors are shocked that im actually correct. So then I get an x-ray



Look at this in all its beauty. My left lung is completely not there and my heart is in the wrong spot..TRUST me it wasnt a comfty thing to deal with. NEXT i sit in the ER for hmm 3 h? lol ...and get worse and worse breathing. the nurses kept saying to me ..the doctor has been paged...REALLy? can someone get him to get his butt down here...when he finally did show up he was complaining he was missing dinner with his wife..sucks to be u buddy if ud shown up 2 h earlier u would be eatting with ur wife right now. Anyways..this is where they drugged me to the point that I passed out.. NICE..and woke up at 9pm..in tube in place and my parents and sister complaining that Iwas saying the same sentence OVEr and over again without noing it. After that I got some morphine...and stayed over night in emerg. I kept telling them I wanted to be transfered to toronto..so the next day..BOOM get sent to toronto..at this point y lung was already inflated..IMPRESSIVE considering the last one took weeks to inflate. Got put into 76 on 6 Bond ..hung out with my awesome nurses "grace, nina, olga and karen :) and got drugged it was great. Dr, Macentyre..(ya i spell his name wrong..get over it) pulled the tube out yestrday.. I now have a killer set of stitches. My side kills ..i am still druged out .but not taking anymore pills cause I hate feeling outof it. and just watching to make sure my side doesnt give out again.

Other neews..other friends got the call and it was cancelled :P not kool..and another friend got terrible news and im hoping..fingers crossed a million for her that everthing bounces back. mircles do happen. ..so thats my update...

When you dont choose transplant...

I had a friend , a cf friend this week decide they dont want transplant and I honestly dont no what to say to them. Not getting a transplant never came into my head, it was just a matter of when I needed to get signed up. It was after my major , life threatening lung collapse of last year that I automatically started getting signed up for lung transplant assessment. I just never wanted to feel that BAD ever again. I was exhausted I went to bed like any other night , and at midnightish, woke up not being able to breathe, i couldnt walk, talk, nothing...i started panicing, i didnt no what was wrong or what to do. Thankfully my dad heard me and 911 was called from there. It was terrifing. Also because when I got to the ER in my area they really didnt no what to do, or what was the matter. It took them over 2 hours to get a chest tube into me..for those 2 hours i had alarms going off everywhere, my heart rate was out of control, my o2 was insanely low, i couldnt ly down or sit up, i was in a weird hunched over postion, and they couldnt turn the o2 up afraid it would pop my other lung. I think its almost a good thing it happened. Because I NO how terrifying it is. I dont want to die that way. Sufficating!

So when this friend of mine tells me ..shes out.. she"ll just live the best she can till the end. I dont no what to say. They've given u a choice... "maybe die" or "die" and you choice die? I dont understand it. We are all fighters...we have fought our entire lives...and to just give up...it seems ...soo wrong. I no its such a personal decision...but I just cant understand ..why anyone would chooose to go out...like that. coughing..sufficating..terrifying...i dont understand.

The big one..

So I’ve never really ever been religious. My parents are both Christian, but my mother is catholic and my dad is Presbyterian. They both haven’t been to church literally since their wedding. Needless to say they are not the most religious people you have ever met. My grandmother use to( and still does occasionally) take us to church as kids, but that was only when her and my grandfather were around and even then it would either be their church in Cambridge or one of the 3 churches of different religions that reside in my tiny community. YES a town of less than 2000 people and we have 3 different churches, all within 2 blocks of each other.

I never liked the Presbyterian Church in my community every time I have ever gone I wasn’t treated that well, honestly. You’d either be completely ignored or I had people say some snippy comments to me for not coming to church on a regular basis, considering as they said, that I just lived around the block. I didn’t find this very welcoming and stopped going because of it.

I’m talking about religion though because I guess I found some comfort in it this week. This is new for me, usually I can’t relate or I see no point. When I was watching the funeral for Sgt. Russell, the police officer that was killed last week, certain things the minister was saying actually made sense to me.

I’ve never read the bible, though I do have one sitting in my room. My family claims we don’t really know what to believe. We don’t say grace before we eat, we don’t pray before we go to bed, and we don’t go to church. I guess to some families we’d be complete sinners. I don’t know. My sister and I claim we aren’t that religious, though we have a Blessed Jesus hanging in our kitchen at our apartment. Also on more than one occassion Ive done the sign of the cross and repeted "In the name of the father,and the son and the holy sprit . Amen" so if im not catholic am I insulting someone?? Because in some ways I wanted to become catholic, it seems like it had more to it then just singing. I DONT know basically. I believe there is something after all of this, I can’t contemplate that there couldn’t be. I’m terrified of dying, but somehow some of what was said was comforting and I finally understand why people call priest in when they’re dying. I understand. It gives you comfort to know what could happen. I need to keep thinking about this and it is a heavy subject to talk about with anyone so heres to hoping I don’t offend anyone ....

OOOO books

Book # 4 of romance string. I know how they all end, Happily Ever After. The girl can be one giant moron in the beginning sometimes though. I love Julie Garwood but sometimes i just have to put the book down and shake my head. The girls are always giant airheads and the men are always just plain Giant. Hes always towering over her and the most muscular of the guys, always doesnt talk much but she "knows" what he means. It just makes me start anazying there relationship haha and how much miscommunication is going on and that is one of the biggest reasons I have to put these books down. Im start thinking OOOO im sure you know what hes thinking, sure you do . But maybe thats just my old bitter-ish self talking.

I watched the Toronto Sgt. police funeral today on tv. I had to walk away other wise I was going to cry in front of my parents and they would have thought I'd lost my marbles. I just feel so bad for his wife and child. Had to walk away.

Im not really a crier in front of people. I don't like it. Makes me feel weak. I know thats a pretty lame excuse but its the truth, I want people to know I can handle things, like this life, the truth about everything...you cant really have that if your always breaking down. Given Predisone makes me crazy some days , makes my moods go all over the place I feel like im 12 years old all over again and being hormonally out of balance. I really feel bad when I do crack at people because its usually huge.

im currently crushing my urge to text my ex. I made the mistake of talking to him. Im now going back to checking days off that I dont talk to him. Its been soo long now. 2 years in april literally. Over a year since ive seen him. I want to know how everyone else does it? how are they not this lonely at times? espeically with all this stuff going on? hmmm Im not depressed granted, just venting so I dont do something and try to talk to someone who doesnt care, and it just feeds his ego that i still might want him.

Oh Nonsense

Oh today and yesterday have been fantastic. A bit of normalie ( i realise this isn't spelt right, but for the life of me can not remember how to spell this word and my sister does not have word on this computer lol) , I'm at the moment at my sisters appartment, Ive had enough energy in the last 2 days to actually do some stuff. I went to pretransplant exercise yesterday in orillia, I hungout with my old bittes, aka 65-80 year old men. They are hilarious I have to say, they gossip worse than women. Plus its like 1940's attutide and I'm pretty much expected to sit there and be quiet as im "a girl". There not all backwards and there two guys there I regularly talk to, they all are on city counsils and what have you, so honesty they know all the bylaws etc, stuff I don't know. So i have a good time asking them questions. The one guy always starts with " So i was in the army..." hahahna i've heard so many army stories now its hilarious, and his poor wife lol hes always saying how she doesnt no how to do things haha aww.

Anyways I thought I'd share that I met a Doctor who was named Dr. Thesaurus, want to bet that's not his only name? hahahaha. I do feel bad for him though, imagine how many times people have said this to him. Other than that I'll filling my head full of nonsense and reading romance novels. I haven't in a long time and it just seems like a good day to read a book with zero plot, unrealistic characters and fluffy story lines lol I love it. Actually my favourite line of all time from a romance novel was one from Julie Garwood, one of her books I think it was "the wedding" anyways theres a line in it when the characters meet and it says " he was so big he blocked out the sun" BAHAHHAAH its classic. Then you wonder just how short this women is haha..i love it. Who doesnt like a book which has a happy ending you can see happening from page 1 lol <3 it

To A certain SOMEONE

To a certain person who texted me today, you know who you are, and I doubt you’ll read this, but you never know:

So this is where I try to keep on my big girl pants and not go vividly, and wildly screaming into a certain friends face. The last couple days have been very trying with my emotions and I’m starting to think some of my reactions could just be ruled out as the forlorn “roid-rage” as they call it. However, some of my reactions I believe are completely called for in these situations.
Today I’ve literally done nothing except wake up, go on facebook, and text a couple people, yet I am now still in a situation where I want to “kick ass”. When I’m told I’m a total stalker for being on facebook so much, or that I should be out doing something, I’m going to get mad. When I’m told that I should just, and I quote “ suck it up”, and go do what everyone else is doing, cause there’s no reason I shouldn’t be, well let’s just say, I didn’t take those statements all too well.
First this is my only day off from doctors appointments and all things transplant, I wake up late, I eat late and I don’t plan on doing much today, maybe take a nap and try to feel a bit better. Yes I am bored, with transplant I miss working and going to school, I miss my social life. This doesn’t mean I’m going to go jump in my car and go running around all over the place just because ONE person thinks I should be. Makes me want to yell “DUMBASS” in his face and say “ok so ill sit on your chest, strangle you and then you get up and go run upstairs, we’ll see how you do”.

I won’t except dumb comments anymore, I’ve explained to my close friends what’s going on with me a million times over now, if you can’t figure out I can’t go run a marathon right now, well honestly you’re a dumbass. I don’t care if it isn’t “cool” that I don’t have plans on Friday night, or that I haven’t gotten “drunk” in forever. I don’t care if I’m not dating and I certainly don’t care what I “should be doing”. I’m not doing it, that doesn’t make me a loser or out of the “group”, it makes me incredibly sick and dealing with what I have to survive. I do what I can to stay entertained and keep everything “normal” I didn’t think I had to prove that to certain people.

Everyone else has been fantastic I couldn’t ask for better friends or family. A couple people though are dumb and if the most important fact in your life is getting drunk and you can’t see life without booze sorry to inform you but you sound like an alcoholic, and PS you’re out of college now, it isn’t “kool” to get drunk every other day. Grow up.