I'll be honest I still think about him all the time. Im not sure if thats because I still want him , or its a happy memory I go to when I'm in this situation. I can't move on , because I cant date anyone. So Im stuck. I think about him far to much, especailly when I know he doesn't care. He's kissin someone else and Im here poppin meds, arg. its been almost a year and a half....i was 21 when I dated him...im turning 23 in janurary...time to realize I gave my heart to the wrong guy...(sap moment)
Ive literally wasted a good year of dating time because of this issue. and if he saw this he'd think i was crazy or a stalker..or both. I just keep picturing this ex i have from the end of highschool and how "into me" he was and I was like ya..not sooo much..and I destoryed that poor guy. He wanted kids, Doug and Tanesha ( ya now Im black) and he freaked me out, plus he didnt have a job, car, education...life goals...ya...
Im hoping Im not what he is to me, a pain in the ass. Someone who messaged me after this june saying he still loved me... I DONT WANT TO BE THAT PERSON, that unrealistic...lala person. I have no one else to focus on. I was fine when I was dating around..but grrr...life and death situation...bring on the sap happy memories and make a mental scrapbook...bring tissues.

I worshipped the ground he walked on..which makes me slightly nauseous now when I think about it. He wasnt THAT great. Human, not perfect, bad temper, cocky, liked his way. I loved his smile though. I tend to forget about how bored I got,I was bored ALL the time I never watch that much tv. And to be honest making out is only so interesting after months of the same thing over and over. how bad our communcation was , and how I constantly felt like I couldn't disagree, not that I had anything to disagree with..which was another problem and that I felt like a tour guide, just around for enertainment...leave when it got boring. I didnt feel like myself. I couldnt be silly for fear id look stupid and he'd insult me, i was afraid he'd think i was retarded. and ya I can be a complete retard, ill admit that.

I didnt feel good enough, constantly felt like I was in a completetion...and thats not right. Wish he'd tried even just a little to fix things though...just a tiny bit just to show i wasnt nothing...but..clearly dating a twin is easlier and maybe thats all i was...a twin of someone else? Someone he wanted me to be. I'm overthinking this again. I want to talk to him, but he's happy I guess , I assume..soo I'm not gonna talk, I cant first off I deleted all contact..which was a good idea for moments like this. Second, he doesnt want me. He doesnt care about me. I think I was a rebound. (Repeat in head 10x) he is a liar who lied to u daily for who knows how long. I dont want to insult him actually, I think he was just as bored and frustrated as I was...he just didnt end it before messing around. He didnt want to ever fight and thats not normal...people fight. You cant love someone and not fight.

I realise I went kinda stalker on him after. Shit happens, I wont do it again. Cell phones and fb makes it hard, u see that odd picture of them with someone else and its like torture, *ohh look what he has and you dont*

Doesnt help I get this feeling at 2 in themorning when im totally and completely isolated and loney and texting people at 2 am and crying ur heart out via text is a good way to make urself look crazy, or depressed, or both.Im just lonley. 22 and and alone and dealing with far to much crap. Cuddling was a fantastic way to releave stress, made me happy, loved and content.

This is me without sleeping pills...u should see the Richet state im in after i pop those babies, which is way ive stopped taking them for a while. Texting randoms and not being aware of it in the morning isnt something I love discovering.

I want that feeling back, that i'd do anything for u feeling.
( insert Bruno Mars Grenade Song)

So this is what I've learned:


The ultimate test of a relationship is to be able to disagree but to still hold hands


To be passionate, but also silly


to talk about EVERYTHING, even when you really dont want to

smile

Don't cling , if he doesnt want to stick around...don't try and make him..hes made his decision...make yours..

Hopefully this helps me in the future.

I have pie, u have lungs,, fair trade??

Soo 20 days and counting..and im going crazy..no one can really tell me why im still in here. They did say im not "clinicly better" meaning i kinda have gotta better but my lung function didnt go up. I now have to somehow figure out if there gonna discharge me tomorrow, get to exercise on time, go to blood work and go talk to my coordinator because i missed 2 appointments ...who would have thought ud miss an appointment when ur sick in another hospital. Im frustrated. My parents caleld around everytime they calld our house. As soon as I was better I went back to exercise and all that..soo what the heck is the problem ? STRESSED.

Im also hungry as heck because they uped my predisone...sooo now my puffy and hungry...and starting to get grumpy.

PS i woke up to my windows being wide open in the hospital and had a scary thought, did I open them in my sleeping pilled drugged state, or did they blow open>? hmmm

Update

Soooo i might be able to leave tomorrow WOOOOOOOO. Im hopeing fingers crossed ..again..clearly it didnt work for tuesday. Everything hurts tonight, they put all my weights up at pretransplant exercise.

I just learned theres been 2 transplants recently from people off 6 Bond ( the floor im always on) sooo hopefully. Ive heard one of hem is doing well... its always bad when thre like ya..well one of them is..its like ..thats awesome..what happened to the other one? Do I even want to know? probably not. Everyone is sick :P Im getting my flu shot tomorrow thankfully. Sick people stay away.

Im also done all my christmas cards :) yay. I need to start shopping..therefore they have to let me out. My body better cooperate..no lung collapses or pneumonia in the near future...better not. Maybe ill get lungs soon?? heres to hoping...cheers

Christmas O Christmas

You know what I hate? when your in the middle of writing christmas cards , you've found THE perfect card...and the envelope is NO where to be seen. This is my problem currently...im missing envelopes for a stack of cards ...grrr...does the buck or two sell card envelopes separate? I also want it to stop raining its so BLAH out, snow...SNOW!! I say this now ...and ive be complaining by wednesday when I have to be driving between my house back to toronto for pre transplant exercise.

This is the first time Ive gotten to wear jeans in 2 weeks...YAY jeans. It just makes me feel normal again. and A bra ...I hate not wearing a bra..but seriously in the hospital who cares? hospital seek as they say. Sexy Hospital wear. It was just getting back going between hospitals and tshirts dont look so good without a bra ..and it looks bad. Soooo bras back wooo..

Ive pretty much finished my christmas cards to friends just have a couple more to do. Im also coughing alot today..i think it might just be because its sooo dry in the hosptial , cause im not coughing up anything.

I just realised only cf patients could get away with talking about couging up anything in there blog...everyone else would sound completely disgusting lol ...ohhh cf way of life. Ive also lost weight ..even though thats bad..my old jeans fit again ..soo silver lining in everything I guess

Over Emotional Moment

K Im over my "HOLY CRAP my life sucks moment " and realised the reason Im not dating my ex anymore is hes a jerk, a cheating jerk. A person who will always blame everyone else for his problems . And if he had a nice bone in his body he would have aplogized for everything he did to me..and would have asked me how im diong...considering ive recently been going through hell lol ..not him. So Im back to being sane about that. I had my sad hospital moment, had a good cry and deleted him out of my phone...DONE. I also realised I SAID SORRY. I SAID SORRY that his gf saw the message ...WHAT THE HELL was i thinking? Im not sorry! it wasnt my fault he was keeping this all a secret..i wasnt trying to do somethign on the side...whats wrong with my brain?? I cant believe I said sorry...Im not. He got in trouble...as he should have if he was keeping all this a secert, which apparently he was...and shes a dumb one too..i warned her almost a year ago he did this kind of stuff..and she ignored me....sooo DOne with the drama lol

Im surviving going to TGH myself and the freedom from st. mikes is nice for a while to be alone. Ive been buying chinese food for lunch 2 days in a row, nice change from hospital food. And I like being alone for a bit with some of my indepence back is nice.

Im now dead tired from exercise, today was exhausting my body is rebelling to being active again. TGIF. I still have excerise tomorrow but its just bike..its not everything. GOal for the weekend buy my christmas cards at the Eaton centre when I get off my hospital meds tomorrow. I love christmas

depressed

im having one of those i want to fall in a hole type moments. Because yes im back in the hospital and up until this point I was ok. Then I found out that i need to go back to TGH tomorrow for excerise and im still in st.mikes...yes its not a big deal but my parents hover over everything and the one day Im gonna actually need help with the o2 and all that, they've decided ill be fine going on my own. I dont get it. They come when I dont need them here and now that I actuall need help...BOOM no one. Depressing. So ill drag my butt down there myself...and yes Ill be able to do it..just its gonna take alot more energy then it would have with help. #2 my ex who I still talked to as a friend texted me. I texted him a couple nights ago when I was bored in the hospital ...u know..a "hey whats up " text out of pure boredom. Appartently his gf saw it..and hey who new he was keeping it a secret he was still talking to me...I didnt. Well I guess shes not a fan, I dont really blame her. So he's pissed that he got in trouble. So I told him fine Im done talking to him then , have a good life..bye sort of deal. And now have the urge to cry. I've basically been using him as a cruch for over a year . I don't talk to him on a regular basis or anything but he was still there when I needed to talk. I guess I was still kinda talking to him as a bf even though its been forever since we dated. I mean I havent seen him face to face for a year and a half sooo clearly nothign was going on .

Its just now Im in the hospital alone, just got bitched out for no reason other than saying hi, and just ended a friendship i really valued. I'm gonna cry. Im hoping this is PMS and not me becoming overly emotional.

My problem with this is I just realised that Neil doesnt care if I die and he doesnt no. Thats my probelm. He doesn't care. I guess I just don't understand how you could tell someone in ur lifetime that you love them..and then not care if you don't know what happens to them. Cause I care what happens to him, but I guess because he has another gf now...it doesnt really matter what I think anymore...ive been replaced.

PS a person today was wearing a pager with the same ring tone as mine..theres went off...i almost had a heart attack.

Santa Claus is Coming to TOWN

So Im feeling Christmas Early this year. I think this is mostly because Im sure I was in the hospital up until the middle of december last year and I missed putting up the tree and all that. So this year again im in the hospital BUT ill be out in time to go shopping and decorate. Im excited. Im not sure what I'm going to get everyone , but Im currently listening to christmas music !!! Thank you itunes.

I cant wait to go shopping and bake christmas stuff. I love christmas Im not sure why, just the whole season makes me happy. The day after always bums me out because there nothign to look forward too, i mean new years is alright i always end up stuffing my face haha but christmas is happy and theres parades and gifts and people sing and i just love it! I cant wait for it to snow...and i hate cold haha soo thats saying alot