I'll be honest I still think about him all the time. Im not sure if thats because I still want him , or its a happy memory I go to when I'm in this situation. I can't move on , because I cant date anyone. So Im stuck. I think about him far to much, especailly when I know he doesn't care. He's kissin someone else and Im here poppin meds, arg. its been almost a year and a half....i was 21 when I dated him...im turning 23 in janurary...time to realize I gave my heart to the wrong guy...(sap moment)
Ive literally wasted a good year of dating time because of this issue. and if he saw this he'd think i was crazy or a stalker..or both. I just keep picturing this ex i have from the end of highschool and how "into me" he was and I was like ya..not sooo much..and I destoryed that poor guy. He wanted kids, Doug and Tanesha ( ya now Im black) and he freaked me out, plus he didnt have a job, car, education...life goals...ya...
Im hoping Im not what he is to me, a pain in the ass. Someone who messaged me after this june saying he still loved me... I DONT WANT TO BE THAT PERSON, that unrealistic...lala person. I have no one else to focus on. I was fine when I was dating around..but grrr...life and death situation...bring on the sap happy memories and make a mental scrapbook...bring tissues.

I worshipped the ground he walked on..which makes me slightly nauseous now when I think about it. He wasnt THAT great. Human, not perfect, bad temper, cocky, liked his way. I loved his smile though. I tend to forget about how bored I got,I was bored ALL the time I never watch that much tv. And to be honest making out is only so interesting after months of the same thing over and over. how bad our communcation was , and how I constantly felt like I couldn't disagree, not that I had anything to disagree with..which was another problem and that I felt like a tour guide, just around for enertainment...leave when it got boring. I didnt feel like myself. I couldnt be silly for fear id look stupid and he'd insult me, i was afraid he'd think i was retarded. and ya I can be a complete retard, ill admit that.

I didnt feel good enough, constantly felt like I was in a completetion...and thats not right. Wish he'd tried even just a little to fix things though...just a tiny bit just to show i wasnt nothing...but..clearly dating a twin is easlier and maybe thats all i was...a twin of someone else? Someone he wanted me to be. I'm overthinking this again. I want to talk to him, but he's happy I guess , I assume..soo I'm not gonna talk, I cant first off I deleted all contact..which was a good idea for moments like this. Second, he doesnt want me. He doesnt care about me. I think I was a rebound. (Repeat in head 10x) he is a liar who lied to u daily for who knows how long. I dont want to insult him actually, I think he was just as bored and frustrated as I was...he just didnt end it before messing around. He didnt want to ever fight and thats not normal...people fight. You cant love someone and not fight.

I realise I went kinda stalker on him after. Shit happens, I wont do it again. Cell phones and fb makes it hard, u see that odd picture of them with someone else and its like torture, *ohh look what he has and you dont*

Doesnt help I get this feeling at 2 in themorning when im totally and completely isolated and loney and texting people at 2 am and crying ur heart out via text is a good way to make urself look crazy, or depressed, or both.Im just lonley. 22 and and alone and dealing with far to much crap. Cuddling was a fantastic way to releave stress, made me happy, loved and content.

This is me without sleeping pills...u should see the Richet state im in after i pop those babies, which is way ive stopped taking them for a while. Texting randoms and not being aware of it in the morning isnt something I love discovering.

I want that feeling back, that i'd do anything for u feeling.
( insert Bruno Mars Grenade Song)

So this is what I've learned:


The ultimate test of a relationship is to be able to disagree but to still hold hands


To be passionate, but also silly


to talk about EVERYTHING, even when you really dont want to

smile

Don't cling , if he doesnt want to stick around...don't try and make him..hes made his decision...make yours..

Hopefully this helps me in the future.