I had an awesome experience today lol an old man walked up to me and yelled " why the hell are you on oxygen " then i explained and he went "hmft" and walked off lol. I think he thought i was a smoker and was trying to give me shit. To bad for him. lol
I also bought more christmas stuff..which I probably dont need but OHH Well gotta love christmas. I also had exercise in orillia today..which was awesome is that my sisters appartment is like 5 min away from the hospital...SLEEPING in is fantastic. I like it there...alot more freedom.
I sound like a frog btw..one of my meds is making my voice go all funny and im not sure which one it is but I wish it would stop it :P Other than that im currently at my parents house setting up my christmas stuff here as well haha :) little christmas tree..woot.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
OCD
I seriously think I might have OCD or just " dont touch my shit disorder". This whole being out of breathe thing is making me actually have almost panic attacks about what people are doing with my stuff and how i cant do it. OK soo i guess I could explain this better. I use to be able to move all the furntire around my room, take my laundry up from downstairs and ALWAYS had all my christmas stuff out of the basement early!
Well I cant do it. I seriouly cant ive tried i get dizzy and I dont have the stength. So when I got home from the hospital my parents had moved my room to the downstairs room because its colder and yes it was what i wanted. But coming home and realizing all ur stuff is now in 2 rooms and organization is gone and i cant find anything ...kinda put me into panic mode. And made me just want to yell at everyone to get out and let me fix this. And I really do appreciate the help its just ...im so use to doing everything...it was my control u no..and now I dont have it.
Christmas stuff is driving me nuts to. Somehow my stuff didnt rate a bin last year..soo instead of just picking up a bin and all my stuff is in one spot ..its spewed all over the basement and the odds of any of it getting up soon isnt looking great...which is pissing me off because ive been trying to get hyped for christmas...2 weeks of finding the stuff isnt even worth putting it up. SO yes im frustrated royally cause i cant just move big ass boxes anymore until i find my stuff..and when my mom did find some of it its well " some of ur stuff is there, somes in this box...is this urs' holding up something..and ya WONDERFUL help , but im pissed and ill admit it, my brother who doesnt even live here has a box..colleen had a box..I put all my stuff away last year in A BOX, soo why now is my stuff the filler in everyones boxes...it comes down too i dont have energy to go find all the stuff..carry it all upstairs..and then separate it into what I want going to the appartment. Its driving me crazy
Well I cant do it. I seriouly cant ive tried i get dizzy and I dont have the stength. So when I got home from the hospital my parents had moved my room to the downstairs room because its colder and yes it was what i wanted. But coming home and realizing all ur stuff is now in 2 rooms and organization is gone and i cant find anything ...kinda put me into panic mode. And made me just want to yell at everyone to get out and let me fix this. And I really do appreciate the help its just ...im so use to doing everything...it was my control u no..and now I dont have it.
Christmas stuff is driving me nuts to. Somehow my stuff didnt rate a bin last year..soo instead of just picking up a bin and all my stuff is in one spot ..its spewed all over the basement and the odds of any of it getting up soon isnt looking great...which is pissing me off because ive been trying to get hyped for christmas...2 weeks of finding the stuff isnt even worth putting it up. SO yes im frustrated royally cause i cant just move big ass boxes anymore until i find my stuff..and when my mom did find some of it its well " some of ur stuff is there, somes in this box...is this urs' holding up something..and ya WONDERFUL help , but im pissed and ill admit it, my brother who doesnt even live here has a box..colleen had a box..I put all my stuff away last year in A BOX, soo why now is my stuff the filler in everyones boxes...it comes down too i dont have energy to go find all the stuff..carry it all upstairs..and then separate it into what I want going to the appartment. Its driving me crazy
Thursday, November 25, 2010
SOOO happy
Kinda haha , I have NOTHING To do today..which is awesome..first day off in a good month. NO hospitals, no driving to toronto, just me time..and christmas stuff time. Plus I cleaned out my old room..well working on it. Getting rid of all the clothes that dont fit because I use to weight alot less than I do now..which is good for the cf aspect of things..put on 25 lbs since last year or more soo all the old clothes really dont fit.
PLUS it snowed! I love snow. lol finish this later
PLUS it snowed! I love snow. lol finish this later
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
I'll be honest I still think about him all the time. Im not sure if thats because I still want him , or its a happy memory I go to when I'm in this situation. I can't move on , because I cant date anyone. So Im stuck. I think about him far to much, especailly when I know he doesn't care. He's kissin someone else and Im here poppin meds, arg. its been almost a year and a half....i was 21 when I dated him...im turning 23 in janurary...time to realize I gave my heart to the wrong guy...(sap moment)
Ive literally wasted a good year of dating time because of this issue. and if he saw this he'd think i was crazy or a stalker..or both. I just keep picturing this ex i have from the end of highschool and how "into me" he was and I was like ya..not sooo much..and I destoryed that poor guy. He wanted kids, Doug and Tanesha ( ya now Im black) and he freaked me out, plus he didnt have a job, car, education...life goals...ya...
Im hoping Im not what he is to me, a pain in the ass. Someone who messaged me after this june saying he still loved me... I DONT WANT TO BE THAT PERSON, that unrealistic...lala person. I have no one else to focus on. I was fine when I was dating around..but grrr...life and death situation...bring on the sap happy memories and make a mental scrapbook...bring tissues.
I worshipped the ground he walked on..which makes me slightly nauseous now when I think about it. He wasnt THAT great. Human, not perfect, bad temper, cocky, liked his way. I loved his smile though. I tend to forget about how bored I got,I was bored ALL the time I never watch that much tv. And to be honest making out is only so interesting after months of the same thing over and over. how bad our communcation was , and how I constantly felt like I couldn't disagree, not that I had anything to disagree with..which was another problem and that I felt like a tour guide, just around for enertainment...leave when it got boring. I didnt feel like myself. I couldnt be silly for fear id look stupid and he'd insult me, i was afraid he'd think i was retarded. and ya I can be a complete retard, ill admit that.
I didnt feel good enough, constantly felt like I was in a completetion...and thats not right. Wish he'd tried even just a little to fix things though...just a tiny bit just to show i wasnt nothing...but..clearly dating a twin is easlier and maybe thats all i was...a twin of someone else? Someone he wanted me to be. I'm overthinking this again. I want to talk to him, but he's happy I guess , I assume..soo I'm not gonna talk, I cant first off I deleted all contact..which was a good idea for moments like this. Second, he doesnt want me. He doesnt care about me. I think I was a rebound. (Repeat in head 10x) he is a liar who lied to u daily for who knows how long. I dont want to insult him actually, I think he was just as bored and frustrated as I was...he just didnt end it before messing around. He didnt want to ever fight and thats not normal...people fight. You cant love someone and not fight.
I realise I went kinda stalker on him after. Shit happens, I wont do it again. Cell phones and fb makes it hard, u see that odd picture of them with someone else and its like torture, *ohh look what he has and you dont*
Doesnt help I get this feeling at 2 in themorning when im totally and completely isolated and loney and texting people at 2 am and crying ur heart out via text is a good way to make urself look crazy, or depressed, or both.Im just lonley. 22 and and alone and dealing with far to much crap. Cuddling was a fantastic way to releave stress, made me happy, loved and content.
This is me without sleeping pills...u should see the Richet state im in after i pop those babies, which is way ive stopped taking them for a while. Texting randoms and not being aware of it in the morning isnt something I love discovering.
I want that feeling back, that i'd do anything for u feeling.
( insert Bruno Mars Grenade Song)
So this is what I've learned:
The ultimate test of a relationship is to be able to disagree but to still hold hands
To be passionate, but also silly
to talk about EVERYTHING, even when you really dont want to
smile
Don't cling , if he doesnt want to stick around...don't try and make him..hes made his decision...make yours..
Hopefully this helps me in the future.
Ive literally wasted a good year of dating time because of this issue. and if he saw this he'd think i was crazy or a stalker..or both. I just keep picturing this ex i have from the end of highschool and how "into me" he was and I was like ya..not sooo much..and I destoryed that poor guy. He wanted kids, Doug and Tanesha ( ya now Im black) and he freaked me out, plus he didnt have a job, car, education...life goals...ya...
Im hoping Im not what he is to me, a pain in the ass. Someone who messaged me after this june saying he still loved me... I DONT WANT TO BE THAT PERSON, that unrealistic...lala person. I have no one else to focus on. I was fine when I was dating around..but grrr...life and death situation...bring on the sap happy memories and make a mental scrapbook...bring tissues.
I worshipped the ground he walked on..which makes me slightly nauseous now when I think about it. He wasnt THAT great. Human, not perfect, bad temper, cocky, liked his way. I loved his smile though. I tend to forget about how bored I got,I was bored ALL the time I never watch that much tv. And to be honest making out is only so interesting after months of the same thing over and over. how bad our communcation was , and how I constantly felt like I couldn't disagree, not that I had anything to disagree with..which was another problem and that I felt like a tour guide, just around for enertainment...leave when it got boring. I didnt feel like myself. I couldnt be silly for fear id look stupid and he'd insult me, i was afraid he'd think i was retarded. and ya I can be a complete retard, ill admit that.
I didnt feel good enough, constantly felt like I was in a completetion...and thats not right. Wish he'd tried even just a little to fix things though...just a tiny bit just to show i wasnt nothing...but..clearly dating a twin is easlier and maybe thats all i was...a twin of someone else? Someone he wanted me to be. I'm overthinking this again. I want to talk to him, but he's happy I guess , I assume..soo I'm not gonna talk, I cant first off I deleted all contact..which was a good idea for moments like this. Second, he doesnt want me. He doesnt care about me. I think I was a rebound. (Repeat in head 10x) he is a liar who lied to u daily for who knows how long. I dont want to insult him actually, I think he was just as bored and frustrated as I was...he just didnt end it before messing around. He didnt want to ever fight and thats not normal...people fight. You cant love someone and not fight.
I realise I went kinda stalker on him after. Shit happens, I wont do it again. Cell phones and fb makes it hard, u see that odd picture of them with someone else and its like torture, *ohh look what he has and you dont*
Doesnt help I get this feeling at 2 in themorning when im totally and completely isolated and loney and texting people at 2 am and crying ur heart out via text is a good way to make urself look crazy, or depressed, or both.Im just lonley. 22 and and alone and dealing with far to much crap. Cuddling was a fantastic way to releave stress, made me happy, loved and content.
This is me without sleeping pills...u should see the Richet state im in after i pop those babies, which is way ive stopped taking them for a while. Texting randoms and not being aware of it in the morning isnt something I love discovering.
I want that feeling back, that i'd do anything for u feeling.
( insert Bruno Mars Grenade Song)
So this is what I've learned:
The ultimate test of a relationship is to be able to disagree but to still hold hands
To be passionate, but also silly
to talk about EVERYTHING, even when you really dont want to
smile
Don't cling , if he doesnt want to stick around...don't try and make him..hes made his decision...make yours..
Hopefully this helps me in the future.
Monday, November 22, 2010
I have pie, u have lungs,, fair trade??
Soo 20 days and counting..and im going crazy..no one can really tell me why im still in here. They did say im not "clinicly better" meaning i kinda have gotta better but my lung function didnt go up. I now have to somehow figure out if there gonna discharge me tomorrow, get to exercise on time, go to blood work and go talk to my coordinator because i missed 2 appointments ...who would have thought ud miss an appointment when ur sick in another hospital. Im frustrated. My parents caleld around everytime they calld our house. As soon as I was better I went back to exercise and all that..soo what the heck is the problem ? STRESSED.
Im also hungry as heck because they uped my predisone...sooo now my puffy and hungry...and starting to get grumpy.
PS i woke up to my windows being wide open in the hospital and had a scary thought, did I open them in my sleeping pilled drugged state, or did they blow open>? hmmm
Im also hungry as heck because they uped my predisone...sooo now my puffy and hungry...and starting to get grumpy.
PS i woke up to my windows being wide open in the hospital and had a scary thought, did I open them in my sleeping pilled drugged state, or did they blow open>? hmmm
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Update
Soooo i might be able to leave tomorrow WOOOOOOOO. Im hopeing fingers crossed ..again..clearly it didnt work for tuesday. Everything hurts tonight, they put all my weights up at pretransplant exercise.
I just learned theres been 2 transplants recently from people off 6 Bond ( the floor im always on) sooo hopefully. Ive heard one of hem is doing well... its always bad when thre like ya..well one of them is..its like ..thats awesome..what happened to the other one? Do I even want to know? probably not. Everyone is sick :P Im getting my flu shot tomorrow thankfully. Sick people stay away.
Im also done all my christmas cards :) yay. I need to start shopping..therefore they have to let me out. My body better cooperate..no lung collapses or pneumonia in the near future...better not. Maybe ill get lungs soon?? heres to hoping...cheers
I just learned theres been 2 transplants recently from people off 6 Bond ( the floor im always on) sooo hopefully. Ive heard one of hem is doing well... its always bad when thre like ya..well one of them is..its like ..thats awesome..what happened to the other one? Do I even want to know? probably not. Everyone is sick :P Im getting my flu shot tomorrow thankfully. Sick people stay away.
Im also done all my christmas cards :) yay. I need to start shopping..therefore they have to let me out. My body better cooperate..no lung collapses or pneumonia in the near future...better not. Maybe ill get lungs soon?? heres to hoping...cheers
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